SAN DIEGO — It was the ultimate low for the San Diego State football team and, seemingly, for kicker Garrett Palmer.
Trailing 16-14 against Division I-AA Cal Poly in its homecoming game last season, the Aztecs had a shot at turning around a 1-5 in coach Chuck Long’s first season. With 37 seconds left, Palmer prepared to attempt a game-winning, 48-yard field goal.
Fans were on their feet, questions no doubt running through their minds: Could SDSU really lose to a I-AA team? Could the team really start 1-6?
Palmer missed.
He kicked wide left, SDSU lost, and the season ended in a 3-9 haze.
Palmer was upset, but he has dealt with a far more serious loss. A year and a half earlier, on April 13, 2005, his girlfriend was killed in a car accident. A nearly two-year relationship was gone forever.
“Some guy just ran a red light and hit her,” Palmer said matter-of-factly. “Why’d I have to have my girlfriend taken from me, one of my best friends?”
Palmer is a religious person. Raised a Baptist, he’s always had faith to rely on. But when his girlfriend was taken from him, he had to take a step away from everything, God included. Why should he care about someone who so evidently abandoned him?
“I strayed away from God because it was like, I don’t even know,” Palmer said. “There were trying times for a year or so. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I didn’t care about football. There were more important things than football. I just wasn’t happy about life in general.”
Every second was agonizing. The hours turned into days and those became months. The world was passing him by.
That’s when he realized that it might have been a mistake to step away from his faith, the thing he was raised to fall back on. There was no silver lining to his girlfriend’s death, but maybe there was a lesson to learn.
“I think maybe it did happen for a reason. I mean, everything does,” Palmer said. “I’m stronger now than I was when it happened. I want people to know that if they ever have something wrong they can talk to me. Maybe that’s a little bit of a plus.”
To impress his experience on people and help when others are in pain, Palmer wears his emotions on his sleeves. Or maybe under his sleeves would be more accurate. On one arm is a rendition of his thoughts worthy of an artist’s portfolio:
Palmer is standing shirtless with Jesus Christ above him. Rain is pouring down on Palmer, not symbolizing sad days ahead, but to remind him of his relationship.
” ‘She’s My Kind of Rain’ was our song together, so I thought the rain was fitting,” Palmer said. “The tattoo is my tribute to her, to never forget her.”
Palmer also got the words “trust” and “God” tattooed on his arms after coming back to his faith earlier this year.
“I just put all my trust in God,” Palmer said. “I knew I had to go back to my faith, I knew I had to change something, so I just started going back to church and I think that helped a lot. The tattoos are just a reminder. I look at them and it’s like, ‘OK, I’m having a bad day today, but things could be a lot worse.’ They put things in perspective.”
In retrospect, the Cal Poly loss last October was important but merely a bump in the road.
“There’s no football scale there to try and compare the two things,” Palmer said. “With that missed kick I felt bad for that night, but this is years. I won’t feel terrible about that kick for years.”
While the memories won’t soon fade, the overwhelming emotions and sleepless nights will. Palmer won’t forget his relationship anytime soon, but the recollections should grow dimmer.
“I know there’ve been lots of teary nights with me calling my dad at 4 in the morning because I couldn’t sleep,” Palmer said. “I’ll always think about it and I still get choked up talking about it, but just six months ago it was a lot worse.”
For now, the relationship will continue somewhere between the end of his games and his dreams.
“Every night I pray to God,” Palmer said, getting choked up. “I just tell him to say hi to her for me.”