Editor’s Note: This column is satiric in nature. It was originally printed on April 1 — better known as April Fools’ Day.

As a frequent D&D (that’s Dungeons and Dragons for you noobs) player and Dungeon Master, any time I have my players enter a room I am frequently asked “Are there any girls there? And if so, I want to do them.” Of course, I cannot have girls in all of my campaigns, so I decided that I would share my knowledge on how to woo the members of the opposite sex.

First, put a lot of points into Charisma. Girls love a guy who has a CHA modifier of +4 or more. Make sure you put some ranks in Diplomacy and bring some dice with you. Every time you say something to a girl, roll a d20 die. How else are you going to know if what you said worked or not?

Secondly, bring your character sheet with you. Girls always want to know what you have to bring to the table. Why not list all of your skills, feats, and attributes on one convenient piece of paper? Make sure to make copies for you to hand out. Also make sure to give yourself a cool name like Terek Wolfslayer. The ladies like deep names like that. Of course, if you fudge your skills and ability scores a bit, who will know any better? Make sure you list how much gold you have and all of your possessions and magic items. Nothing says “soul mate” like a lot of gold coins.

Third, do not bathe. It may be tempting but do not shower. Pretend like you are going to a Star Trek Convention. How will women notice you if you do not give off an aroma? Animals are attracted to pheromones and humans are animals, so make sure that you give off the strongest ones possible. Also, do not worry about acne. It will make you stand out so the girl will never forget your face.

Finally, once you make contact with the girl, do not take no for an answer. She will realize that you are the guy for her; you just have to make sure she realizes it. If you have to follow her, do it. Remember, stalking means never having to say goodbye. If you have an altar dedicated to her in your room, all the better. If she sees it she will realize the love you have for her. If she puts a restraining order on you, it’s a small victory. It means she loves you but from a legally defined distance.