When sitting by yourself in your (gasp) single dorm room, watching porn, do you ever think about the fact that in Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation? Or, when playing Oregon Trail, do you ponder to yourself that in Deadwood, South Dakota dresses that show your ankles or higher are illegal? I know the morning after a night of clubbing, I think to myself over my Corn Flakes, if I had been dancing on that bar in Helena, Montana, I would have to have been wearing three pounds, two ounces of clothing. Thank goodness this is Missouri-or should I say, oh darn?

I’m sure everyone is aware that here in Missouri (Marquette) it is illegal for more than four unrelated persons to reside in the same dwelling, and in University City, it is illegal for four women to rent an apartment together. A law in Maryville, Missouri states that “The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”

Without going into the blatant sexist direction of these laws, let’s consider a few more from across the country.

The majority of places in the United States consider oral sex and anal sex acts of sodomy illegal and punishable by heavy fines and/or imprisonment.

In Utah, sex with an animal for profit is prohibited. Where I hail from, the lovely non-state of the District of Columbia, all sexual intercourse not in the missionary position is prohibited. And then, in Massachusetts, it is illegal for someone to have sex with a rodeo clown in the presence of horses. Some places like Ventura, California even have laws preventing animal sex without a permit. How, might one ask, does a dog or cat obtain a sex permit?

Okay, so tasering/arresting a naked guy at a concert is understandable-but what fifteen-year-old kid experimenting with oral sex in their mom’s basement thinks he is committing sodomy? This article may not have a point further than exemplifying some of the United States’ ridiculous and hilarious sex laws, both past and present, but one must beg the additional question-are these laws contributing to the already confusing sexual expression of United States citizens?