This just in: The International Olympic Committee unofficially added a new event to the 2008 summer games - a human rights race. It’s making its debut right in between beach volleyball and the triathlon.
The goal of the sport is to be the first to persuade the Chinese government to halt its recent crackdown on Tibetan protestors advocating self-rule and more democratic freedoms. No steroids required.
Protesters follow a strict training regimen focused on impeding the global torch relay. They ditch the gym for rigorous hours lying in the street to halt progress. They bench press three-pound fire extinguishers and follow up with 15 minutes of cardio in a high-speed torchbearer chase. Extra points awarded to the first one to extinguish the flame.
Gold medal forerunners trounce their lowly competitors by scaling bridges, where they demonstrate both their athletic and literary superiority by hoisting signs sure to change China’s political structure with the eloquent demand, “Free Tibet.”
It’s a great strategy. There is no faster way to win over the notoriously stubborn communist regime than by making a mockery of Beijing in its global debut at the 2008 Olympics. After all, nothing screams human rights like accosting athletes carrying on a sacred tradition grounded in perpetuating the Olympic spirit. Except for maybe frosted sugar cookies decorated with peace signs.
Unfortunately, the Chinese government doesn’t have the appetite to play nice - or fair - against protestors in this highly anticipated human rights race. They’re sticking to a strategy that’s worked for decades: refuting criticism. This includes accusing the Dalai Lama of propagating violent protests and condemning “Tibetan independence separatist forces” for causing all of the havoc wreaked by the torch relay riots.
What’s more, this year, they’re playing hardball. In addition to going back on a promise made in its 1999 Olympic bid for Beijing, in which Chinese officials eagerly pledged to “advance the social agenda of China, including human rights,” the government is actually continuing the global torch relay and the Olympics - with the backing of the IOC and the Dalai Lama himself.
Thus, for all of the insults, people and fire extinguishers blocking the progress of the global torch convoy, the only thing protestors have accomplished throughout their rigorous training is convincing the Chinese government that it needs a PR campaign and curtailing the possibility of a future global relay.