It’s time to be honest: If you really are concerned about global warming, go eat a double-stack burger from Wendy’s.

Cows, long considered to be mundane and docile, have been secretly planning our demise. In a plot to destroy mankind in a manner similar to their own unfortunate fate - being cooked - cows have leaped to the front of the line of greenhouse gas emitters.

According to the U.N. Food and Agricultural Organization, cows are one of the top three contributors to environmental problems. Cows, besides being a source for delicious meat and fashionable leather, are a huge source of methane and nitrous oxide, two gases that put carbon dioxide to shame when it comes to trapping heat. A gassy heifer can belch out anywhere from 25 to 130 gallons of methane a day.

Of the more than 1.5 billion cattle in the world, 100 million graze in the United States, according to the International Erosion Control Association. That means the U.S. cattle industry could be putting as much as 13 billion gallons of methane into the atmosphere daily.

So while we are slow cooked in our own juices like a beef brisket, cows are getting the last laugh. Every last gas emission from the forward or aft portions of the bovine brings them closer to their kamikaze-esque goal.

The only option left is to eat our way out.

Refraining from eating beef would be a strategic blunder, one of the worst in history, comparable to Napoleon’s march on Moscow. The enemy, with their hooves, horns and udders, must not be left free to roam our streets and hills, unculled by the merciful blow of a captive bolt pistol.

The alternative to eating meat: the ungodly, rubbery, tumor-like food known as tofu, which contributes to the malicious warming of our globe as well because it is soy based. Soy production in South America has led to mass deforestation. For example, Paraguay has cleared over 90 percent of its rain forests to make bean fields to pacify the bohemian, elitist American vegetarian.

Plants in general help to slow the warming process, but how can they photosynthesize our carbon emissions away if we all devour them like rabid rabbits?

Plants don’t emit methane; they deserve to live, flourish and bloom. Cows, their treachery stealthily hid behind the rhythmic chewing of cud, do not deserve life.