LOS ANGELES — One can only imagine what justifications women who marry politicians use as they walk down the aisle.

My plan to preserve my hedonistic, stammering, stuttering, funk-band, vacationing lifestyle is simple. I, Matthew Jividen, will drift aimlessly through life until I’m 35, then I’ll become president. Not for the fame, but for the vacation time and the $400,000 a year.

Apple may be causing themselves a good amount of future harm and headache when future product upgrades roll around. It sets a difficult precedent for the company to deal with. Being an Apple fan myself, I know how whiny we are. So when Apple releases a product upgrade or price drop in the future for any product, why shouldn’t customers expect a free handout?

SAN JOSE, Calif. — I’m never going to buy anything ever again.
By the time I get home and open the box, the newest, latest model will be on the shelves, replacing the item I just bought. That’s why I don’t want the iPhone. I want whatever Steve Jobs is using.

LUBBOCK, Texas — Oil is a nonrenewable resource. Whatever we burn today for use as energy will be unavailable for future generations.
Though this is a fact, it has the tendency to spawn catastrophic predictions based on fear rather than factual evidence.

HONOLULU — In 1996, the highly respected Pew Research Center for the People & the Press found that the three words Americans used most often to describe Hillary Rodham Clinton were “intelligent,” “smart” and a third word that “rhymes with rich.” Clinton’s evolution as a college student at Wellesley College in the late 1960s indicates that she is now, as she was then, not only knowledgeable, but thoughtful; not only intelligent, but compassionate.